The "sad and lonely" trope is just a myth: The Major Benefits of Singledom - Ground n' Connect

A BPD diagnosis can taint the most poised woman or man in the eyes of a future lover, bring dates to a halt, or, if you're like me, make Tinder profiles you were just connecting with disappear.


Of course, every borderline is different, and there are some who are happily married to their dream person for years. So this is not strictly a BPD thing, which is why I chose to add it to the ground n' connect segment for the 365-day challenge. This segment is about feeling less unique and more connected to society, which is a good thing now and then.


If you are happily in love, I'm sorry but the following might burst your bubble. For the single men and ladies out there, who've been doing it solo for a while now, this post will make the most sense to you. Or at least you'll appreciate it. So, sorry couples, in advance.


Don't have BPD, but happened upon this post and feel like you’re cursed to be alone forever? Well, this is for you, too, so keep reading! I should add that I am catastrophizing and probably need to brush up on recognizing my DBT thinking traps. But don't mind me. In Today’s post, I’m bringing you my top benefits of being single.


First, for the sake of being realistic, let's take a look at the not-so-sweet side.

"It’s pretty crazy. The misconceptions are, 'Jen can’t keep a man,' and 'Jen refuses to have a baby because she’s selfish and committed to her career.' Or that I’m sad and heartbroken. First, with all due respect, I’m not heartbroken," –Jennifer Aniston

We hear you, Jen. Sometimes I question the oddness of my being. Is it weird that I am a female well over her early twenties with no current long-term romantic relationship and no children and love it? I mean, I feel like a whole person, I get out of bed with joy and ambition (most days), have ghostwritten several books, and am generally happy. Am I just flawed otherwise? Do I got the single gene?

Thing is, why do we put so much stress on ourselves and others to achieve the couple life and the kids? Those are INCREDIBLY personal and life-changing things, and if you aren’t ready to have someone sleeping in the same bed as you, or to push out little humans, you shouldn’t be pressured to.

Stigma


Other than having to buy your own lattes, the price of singledom is that society does tend to treat it’s “different” folks like criminals and otherlies. Even Hollywood elites can't escape this universal rule. Friends vet Jennifer Aniston, can attest to that. In an interview with Jimmy Kimmel’s wife, Molly McNearney, for the September issue of InStyle, Aniston opened up about being treated differently, particularly by the women. Ugh. Come on, ladies, we should be doing better!

I often wonder why this is the way it is. What I realized is that being coupled up is similar to having good credit. It's like proof that you have to be somewhat of a normal or good person. Adding kids into the mix and you're subconsciously viewed as healthy and sane enough to do it both, keep a partner, and produce little ones. So now is that the reverse of how single, childless people are seen? As just some manic, irresponsible, incompatible warts of society?

You've Committed a Crime

I think women, in particular, get less compassion for remaining single and childfree. Men get judged, too. I've seen it. But with a woman, it's on a personal, whole-being level. It's as if we aren't woman enough or are rebelling against natural duties.


A lot of it has to do with a shared interest, though. I get it. Having children must really change your entire outlook on life and even you as a person. It might just feel more natural to gravitate to people who "get it." Whose lived it.


Still, it's not like every single or childless person is that way for lack of trying. Some of us are just not as compatible as the next person. And is it really that big of a deal if one makes it a personal choice to remain single?


I get it that relationships are fun, cute, and all, and bring “LIFE” into the earth, literally and metaphorically, but what if you are just better on your own for a large chunk of your life? I mean, EVERYONE is different.


Being spiritual, I sincerely believe singledom is just a path the Universe has chosen for some. Sure, sometimes I get down about it. But even couples get down about being together. Even parents sometimes wish they could reverse time, now and then. It's natural and normal to think the grass is greener on the other side. In reality, everyone has their own cross to bear. I for one, know that I can be really happy when I am in love. But I am can also be really sad and unstable, too. BPD adds another layer to my emotions and distress in interpersonal conflicts, and it would take someone with patience and a lot of emotional intelligence for me to be able to let my guard down so there can even be a healthy relationship in the first place.

Forever Alone Because of My BPD?

A lot of ignorant people make assumptions online about BPD, comparing the behaviors to that of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Or just demonizing our symptoms in general is pretty shocking. BPD is painful enough without public persecution and the spreading of misinformation. What is most disturbing to me, is that someone who's interested in someone who has been honest about their BPD might see these posts and believe them. A lot of times it is external factors like this that make relationships difficult for people with the disorder.


If you've ever been hurt by these posts, big hugs and I'm personally sending lots of love your way. No matter who you are and what you do, stigma will always be out there. No one can escape it and we've all been shoved into a box before. My main goal when committing to OK, LEVEL UP, was to fight against this. Everyone is their own individual and should be treated as such.


It's my belief that we all have a little bit of everything anyway. A healthy amount of narcissism is good for all of us, and so is a healthy amount of the ability to feel deeply. However, when people have been hurt, trauma can keep them stuck in feelings or a persona that can be unwelcoming for others.


Embrace Singlehood: Embrace Self-Love

The key to conquering all judgment and thriving as a single person is self-love. Take yourself on dates, stick up for yourself when no one else is, laugh out loud at your own jokes. Put on makeup or your best shirt just to please yourself.


Embracing singlehood is a choice that can be made easier through radical acceptance. I accept this moment as it is now. I understand I need this moment, that it has fallen into place perfectly for me.


BPDers who are in recovery may want to consider singledom. Healing requires space. Space for yourself. Alone. For me, personally, there isn’t a better choice. I always consider myself a work in progress but my standards are reasonably high. It will take a special person to make me want to change my status. If you have BPD you know what it feels like to be belittled and made to feel “crazy.” In fact, I think a lot of people see the disorder as an excuse to mistreat the person with BPD. We are great at surviving and being independent. More than we give ourselves credit for.


In a way, I think our resilience is what angers our critiques the most. It's like they don't see it as fair to feel so deeply, be so creative, sensitive, and yet so strong at the same time. So, whenever I see a post with someone complaining about a borderline it makes me wonder what on earth did they do to piss a BPDer off who probably is on to bigger better things now. Once again, the key to conquering all judgment and thriving as a single person is self-love. And you might want to look over our How to Stop Caring About What Others Think of You post again.

For me, relationships are all-consuming. That can be fun when the other person is just as consumed. And can sting when one party is no longer on the same page. But, for right now as I am writing this, I’d like to have the mental space to focus most of my energy on my career. For this, I need to be neutral instead of green or red. So I purposely choose to maintain a single life and am very cautious about anyone or any situation that poses a threat to that. If you are similar, don't think there is anything wrong. It's a great thing, in fact, to know and work with yourself, including all your weak points.

So now that we've pretty much covered the dull part of being single, and single with BPD for that matter, let's let the sun in. As promised, we're looking at the top reasons why the "sad and lonely" trope is just a myth. Believe it or not, there are ways around this identity that society may have given you, which makes being single and not having children not only okay but incredibly dope.

1# Babysitting or child watching is more joyous

Kids are a joy, especially when they aren’t yours! There are tons of ways to satisfy your baby fever! Just head over to a cute parenting Facebook page or Youtube channel! Studies show that you can get a dopamine rush by just looking at these cute chubby little humans and that it is even greater a feeling when you know there is no expense or labor of changing diapers involved! It's almost like watching the cake in the glass vs. being sick from too much sugar. Though, I doubt all mommas would agree. Sorry!

2# Starting a Business is Easier

Starting a business can be easier without a child or partner. Sure, being alone can't replace the financial or even emotional support of a partner. Kids, though they require time and energy, can even boost someone's ambition and move them forward to achieve their goals. But if you have the right discipline and a clear goal, it can be freeing knowing there is no one looking over your shoulder. Without a partner, there is more room for mistakes and individuality. I personally feel more creative in my business now that I am single whereas when I was in a serious relationship everything felt like they needed to be a certain way. And how about the well-meaning-but-not-so-needed advice? Obviously, you have a lot more free time as well when you're single and childless. Some would argue too much, but it all depends on the person's drive.

Singledom brings you a chance to start something that matters to YOU without fear of whos watching. Though being single usually means you have less spending power, you could also use this as a way to get even more creative and business savvy.

Missing moral support? Well, the business has got you covered! Tapping into any industry opens a world of likeminded people. You might need to spend time seeking out the communities that best suit you, but there are plenty to choose from. Best of all, if you are single and baby-free, you will have time to network guilt-free. Joining communities not only erodes isolation but they keep you moving forward and keep you fresh. You are constantly learning and never run out of ideas.


3# You Can Still Enjoy Your Inner Child (to the fullest!)

If you are ever feeling baby fever, no need to look far--you always have a cute giggly inner child to let loose! Let’s be honest, relationships are fun and all but they require a certain level of sophistication/adulting now and then for things to work smoothly. You got to be more cautious about how you conduct yourself, especially in public situations as it may affect your partner also. And about expressing yourself fully? Well, crying your eyes off while moody may still work for mom and dad who adores their adult kid but your partner will much prefer someone with a bit more emotional stability. Being a part of a couple takes effort. So if you are up to it, good. But if you're like me who rather be my goofy, sloppy self 24/7, well toss Tinder and POF aside and get out your pajamas and messy hair for the single ride! Wooooohoooooooooo!

4# You’re In Good Company

Jennifer Aniston is only one of the many celebs who've found their single calling. Even übersuccessful people like Oprah, Drew Barrymore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jared Leto, Mariah Carey, Mindy Kaling, and many more have maintained single streaks more often than not with flair.


As you can see for them, it isn’t a curse. Depending on your perspective, you can lead a healthy, full, meaningful life. But it's up to you to give yourself this purpose. Give yourself goals and decide what's at stake. Ultimately make sure you are just as passionate about yourself and your own life as you would be about a partner.


Afterthought


So, did this post help you see singledom any differently? I would love to hear your thoughts on it and at least two ways you're gonna show some love to yourself? Mines easy, I love taking myself to restaurants and getting massages. Speaking of, I’m ready to book one right now!


P.S Check out our Aniston shirt and more things in our shop that will remind you to keep a positively single and thriving mindset!