A lot of people might not know this, but the borderline is one of the narcissist's favorite snacks. Think about who a narcissist sees as easy prey. You know, the sensitive person who tends to be insecure. Now can a borderline overreact or become so furious that they put the narcissist to bed? Yes. Can the borderline's unpredictability outshine, scare, or even terrify the narcissist? Yes. But who do narcissists ultimately like to target?
. . . Sensitive people tend to have low self-esteem.
A borderline who is not taking much care of him or herself is very appealing prey. The narcissists may not even know you have borderline but your sensitive disposition is almost enough to pique their sadistic interest. I always see narcissists as emotional psychopaths. They are too aware of jail time to harm or kill you physically so they'd rather do it emotionally and oh, do they ever do it well. In this post, we are going to discuss what to do when a narcissist has set their sights on you.
How to Spot Narcissism
First, so we are clear that we are dealing the proper way with a problematic person, we want to make sure they are in fact a predator and that it's not just a misunderstanding. Everyone has their narcissistic moments, their episodes of jackassery and people in most cases have preferences. Not everyone is going to want to be your friend or even nice to you. But if you suspect there are more sinister intentions than meets the eye, let's take a further look. Here's a list of ways a person can display narcissism.
They think every conflict stems from jealousy. If someone has an issue with them it's jealousy. Even family members. Because they are so "beautiful or smart."
Makes your head spin in an argument. There is no logical conversation with someone who is on the NPD spectrum. They will not own up to anything and they will turn the conversation in a confusing mess of tangles just to make you trip up and feel like the guilty one. They also love disorienting you and making you feel crazy.
They shout or become stern in even the most trivial arguments. This is to intimidate you so you'll back down and they'll always be right.
You catch them smiling when you are uncomfortable.
They'll give you breadcrumbs and then strike you down in repeated cycles. While regular people will just avoid people they dislike, narcissists take great pleasure interacting with people they hate, just to hurt you again.
They can't take accountability for any mistakes. They'll end up pointing the finger towards you, digging up when you've made mistakes from even situations years ago that you've apologized for.
They talk horribly behind your back. You'll find that they can't really keep secrets, especially when they want to hurt you but passively.
They'll trail you with their eyes even when they aren't talking to you. This kind of predator constantly sizes up and analysis their prey even when they're not eating.
They seem to know your every weakness. Narcissists are big-time observers. And what they seem to notice is your weak points. This comes in handy for them when it's time for their abuse.
They triangulate, meaning they'll need to know and talk to who you know and talk to.
They'll gaslight you, meaning they'll find ways to accuse or blame you even if you are defending yourself, have nothing to do with an issue.
They'll scapegoat you, bringing attention towards you whenever they need a punching bag even if you did nothing.
They will always turn the conversation back to them. They can't simply ask questions or just listen to you. If your aunt has cancer they'll probably have cancer too.
They are furious whenever you are happy or comfortable. If you notice that you've suddenly become their interest or you've suddenly done something wrong whenever you are in good spirits you might be dealing with a narcissist.
They show off whenever they can.
Their friends are all yes-men and they have little tolerance for even constructive criticism.
Their egos hurt them. Do they get easily humiliated, offended, or avoid situations that might make them vulnerable? Narcissists have a big problem with humility. They feel stupid at the slightest mistake and will often get angry and blame others.
They kick people when they are down. They have no problem with hurting the already hurting. They are the nurses who abuse patients, the family members who do or say inappropriate things regarding personal things you find painful.
Flaws in others interest them to the point of obsession.
They love the conflicts of others. When other people are struggling they become very nosy and are keen audiences, often offering advice but just wanting to hear the details.
They can't take a joke. You'll see the strained expression of a forced laugh or worse--they'll get angry, especially if the joke is about them.
Grey Rock Technique
The grey rock technique is a popular term in the online glossary of narcissism. This is another way to say bore them off. This is to be used only when you can't go no-contact. This is when you become as boring as a grey rock. You become a fly on the wall whenever you can. If you tell them straight up that you don't want to talk to them or if you've cut them off abruptly they will become more interested. The technique works if you lessen your interaction with them over time. Make sure your interactions become less and less emotional and are plain.
If you can, don't even make eye contact with these people and try to wear your best poker face or half-smile. Act like they are not even there. A way I employ this when it's difficult is to turn away from them. Keep them out of your line of view.
Narcissists crave excitement and adrenaline and people they can control. If you don't react while they are bullying you they'll become upset but will soon be uninterested. They hate when people take control in even the littlest ways such as being silent, unexpressive, or distant. After their initial shock, and escalation of insults, they'll most likely become super nice to manipulate you into being warmer or reactive to them. But don't let this fool you, keep keeping your distance, and being aloof. Good people don't force you to like them anyway, so don' feel bad. If it's at work, don't even try to make friends with the other people who could be flying monkey's a.k.a (people under the narcissists control who are used as tools to hurt you). Just be silent, unnoticeable, disinterested, and absent whenever you get the chance.
As a boring grey rock, you don't explain yourself, defend yourself, talkback or even talk about yourself. Anything, even your attention, can be used as narcissistic supply, so you want to starve them by being an empty plate. Tough it out, even when things, because they are so upset that they no longer control you. You are going to need patience and nerves of steel but eventually, they'll get bored and move on to another source that gives them more fuel for their efforts.
No Contact Technique
The no contact technique is often one you'll hear in dating advice for women who want to get their ex-boyfriend or old fling to talk to them again. This was one of the more toxic and exploitive things I've seen targeted towards women online. There is a lot of reasons why this works to get a narcissist interested back into a romantic situation and it has nothing to do with love. Moreover, it is a technique that should be used to AVOID the person that broke your heart. It should be used to HEAL you not LURE the person back in.
The no contact technique is the most powerful in making sure you are safe and never wounded again. It involved cutting all ties. Very cleanly. So you are not even talking to people who know or talk to the narcissists. You have blocked them on social media. When you go no contact, though the narcissist might try every way to keep tabs on you eventually they'll have no other choice but to find another fuel source. This is how they maintain their shallow existence.
But because it's so powerful it can be the most dangerous. If you are in a domestic situation, for instance, you've got to make sure you've got a safe place to go to where the narcissist won't even think to go looking for you. When they know that you are cutting them out of your life or avoiding them is typically when the narcissist can become really angry and cruel. They will employ flying monkeys and try every manipulative tactic in the books, blackmail, gaslighting, making you feel guilty, etc.
If it's a parent, a sibling, or another family member, you might not want them to even know where you live even if you're not worried about safety. My mother had a way of enmeshing herself into my personal life. She'd befriend my landlords just to tell them all about my issues and shame me if I ever crossed her. It was absurd so when I moved to a new place I knew not to let her know the location. She'd literally be bold enough to call numbers off real estate listings to find the landlord. That is how far her need for control went.
You need to use no contact if you can avoid this person, and stick to it for life. Narcissists aren't like regular people. They will never change because they don't want to and removing yourself from their paths is often the only way for the abuse to stop.